Brandon

Yesterday was Brandon's birthday. It's hard to believe that that was nine years ago! He was here such a short time, it feels like it was so long ago! Sometimes it even seems like it was a dream. You know those dreams that you wake up from wondering if they really happened? It sometimes feels like it was something that I went through, but it's hard to remember details about things. I suppose that is just what happens as time goes on. You remember, but it isn't in your thoughts as often.



It is hard to imagine what it would be like to have a nine-year-old boy with Down Syndrome. Whenever I see a young child with Down Syndrome, I think of Brandon, and smile. They are such happy children, and are usually eager to share smiles with other people. I know that those families are going through tough times and have some major struggles, and I wonder if I could have handled that.

Some say that J.J. and I are so strong to be able to deal with the death of a child. I will say that it was a very hard thing to see and deal with. This story I am about to tell is about Brandon's life and death, and some of the emotions that I felt as it was happening.

Six weeks after being married, J.J. and I discovered we were going to have a baby. Brandon was born three and a half weeks early, weighing only 4 pounds, 2 ounces on September 8, 1999, nine months after we were married. After being fully dialated, they discovered that he was breech. The doctors prepped me for a cesarean section, while trying to turn him around, but he wouldn't budge. After only an hour and a half of being at the hospital, he was born by cesarean section. They laid him on my chest for a few seconds, before whisking him away to do all of the normal birth tests. He was my first baby and I wasn't exactly sure what was going on.

I was in the recovery room after the c-section, and my OBGYN, Dr. Crane, came in to see how I was. I remember him saying to me that he knew that our Heavenly Father had a hand in what had happened that morning, that he could feel the Holy Ghost prompting him in what he was to do, so that he could make quick decisions. At this time, I had no idea what was really going on with Brandon. All that I knew was that he was really small for how far along I was.

The pediatrician told us that he thought Brandon had a hole in his heart, and his lungs were underdeveloped, so he was on oxygen. We didn't even find out until a couple of days that the doctor wanted to send in chromosomal tests, because he noticed one straight crease on his palms, known as the Simeon Crease, which is a sign of Down Syndrome. They couldn't do many detailed tests on him because Logan's hospital just wasn't equipped with what they needed. So when he was five days old, they sent him to Primary Children's hospital in Salt Lake City. A couple of days later, we found out that the test results came back positive for trisomy 21, Down Symdrome.

At two weeks old, Brandon had a heart surgery done to repair an abnormality in his aorta (the part that branches off of the heart and allows the blood to go to the rest of your body). He recovered form that nicely and was working on eating properly and gaining weight. He was able to come home from Primary Children's at the end of October, just in time for Halloween. We were able to spend that holiday and Thanksgiving, and Christmas with him. He was able to meet most of his aunts, uncles, and cousins at the time and got to know his grandparents.

On our one year anniversary, J.J. and I took Brandon back down to Primary Children's because his doctor was worried about his heart growing too big too fast. He wanted them to just check his heart out with their better equipment. They admitted him, saying they wanted to keep him over night-which ended up being longer than that. Brandon started going down-hill after that.

We went to Salina for early Christmas morning, and then went right back up to be with Brandon on Christmas day. I think he knew that that would be his last day here, on this earth. He reached his arms up and gave me a hug that night, not long before we left to sleep at Rob's (J.J.'s brother's) house.

Around 1:00 A.M., we got a call from Primary Children's telling us to get over there, because Brandon was not doing well. I knew instantly. I don't think that I have ever felt that close to heaven. I don't know how to explain the feeling that I felt. Calm, peace, reassurance, and more. Rob came with us, so that he and J.J. could give Brandon a blessing. We started driving, and I just had this overwhelming feeling. I had been pleading with the Lord to let us have Brandon with us for at least his first Christmas. He had done his part, I knew. I prayed to our Father in Heaven to let Brandon stop suffering and take him back to be with him. I immediately felt Heavenly Father's arms wrap around me, probably Brandon's too.

When we got to the hospital, he had already passed on to the other side of the veil, for which I am eternally grateful. I don't think I could have dealt with being there to see him struggle. The nurse who was assigned to him that night was balling in the other room, really shaken, and had already given her notice to the doctors that she would not be returning. I don't know what I was thinking, or what had come over me, but I really felt that I needed to talk with the nurse. I think she thought that I was going to yell at her for not taking good care of my son and letting him die, because she didn't want to see me. I finally convinced her to see me, and I thanked her for being with my son while I could not. I remember the look on her face, as she stared at me with her jaw open, as I told her that he was no longer suffering and was in a much better place.

After that night, most things that happened for the next few days are kind of a blur. We attended the temple twice that week, once before Brandon's funeral, and once after, going through with Sarah (J.J.'s sister) as she got married.

Sometimes I miss the "spiritual high" during that time. My testimony of our eternal life grew tremendously during that time. Not to mention my testimony of fasting, prayer, temple attendance, and pretty much everything. What kept me going after that, was knowing that if I remained worthy, I would be able to raise Brandon one day. Brandon had the sweetest spirit. I believe he touched many people's lives, almost as much as mine and J.J.'s.